Prim and Proper Iceburgs
by Makayla
Summary: During a particularly boring Captain's meeting, Kenpachi devises a simple plan to ruffle the 6th Division Ice Prince's royal feathers... although maybe the outcome is a little more than he bargained for. KenBya Crack! For Simple-Minded-Idiot!


44 Kisses- Chapter 0 Kenpachi/Byakuya

A/N: This is a highly belated Xmas pressie for the lovely Simple-Minded-Idiot, finally fully edited (and probably still mistake riddled lol) and posted. I decided to male it into a special drabble in the Kisses Series just for her. So here you go  
Diclaimer: I own nothing except my own manipulations TT

Prim-and-Proper Icebergs

Ok, two weeks ago 3 captains fucked off to play for the other team and here the old coot is, discussing the quality of their fucking _mission reports_! Am I the only one who sees something wrong with this picture? I was seriously just gonna leave until I remembered Yamamoto said he'd transfer all disgraced shinigami into my division the last time I did that- there's no way I'm having my division stuffed full of a bunch of pansy-arsed cowards.

Urgh, I can't keep still through all this- it's boring! Why the hell is everyone staring at the old man like his words are the recipe for sake? Well, except for that Kyouraku guy; I think he's asleep... Huuuuuhhhh… hey the old fart's beard is bobbing! Heh, I wonder if it's long enough to look like it's jumping off the floor every time he shuts his mouth. Hey wait a minute- his beard doesn't touch the floor- the damn thing actually disappears beneath his robe! Hell, maybe the guy wears his robes so large to hide the fact that it trails about a foot behind him; kukukuku. Eh, that white-haired squirt is looking at me like I'm gonna eat him or summit. Heh. Hey, I wonder if anyone would notice if the old man smuggled Soifon beneath his robe, heh heh heh- then again Soifon was so short that Hitsugaya kid could probably hide her in his kimono, fufufu…

You know, this taking-the-piss thing is quite fun… so next round is… ah, probably best to skip Unohana- I wouldn't be surprised if she had some kind of mind-reading tendencies… Bloody woman, always so fucking nice, there's gotta be something wrong there… So that means- Kuchiki, bloody prim-and-proper asshole. Never mind the friggin' icicle- this guy has the whole fucking iceberg up his god-damn ass! I ain't ever seen someone so fucking straight and la-de-da perfect- I'd love to see him pushed off his bloody pedestal- preferably by me…

…Heh, now that's not a bad idea.

I'll just… and then he'll… and then I can… and then he'll be…kukukukuku… eh, Yamamoto finished chattering? Good, 'cuz I'm finished- well kinda. I ain't great with the smarts so the first line'll have to do… besides I think it might be enough.

Heh, I think I'm scaring Squirt again.

Wait a minute, Hime's leaving! With his damn haori billowing out behind him like some kind of over-grown bat. Heh, once in the corridor, he'll turn towards the sixth division; it'll only takes a minute to get in his way… got him! The fruity-looking captain stops short and observes me with the ice I was talking about earlier spread all over his face. He's already annoyed- perfect.

Heh, I'm grinning again, can't help it, "hey beautif'l, wanna go back to my place for a drink?"

Kuchiki blinked, "Excuse me?" he asks slowly, his face is fucking priceless!

'You heard me Kuchiki, I ask'd yer if y'u want'd to come back to mine fer a drink- although if yer up fer summit else I wouldn't say no," I give a wide lecherous smirk just for good measure and Kuchiki stares at me, completely fucking stunned. Or stunning, because I have to admit, once you get the I've-got-a-fucking-sky-scarper-shoved-up-my-arse expression off his face, he does look pretty fucka… holy fuck- is that a blush? My mouth widens.

"Yer know, the blush looks good on yer Kuchiki- ya look cute," I wink and smirk further-you know, I'm pretty damn sure that I've never felt so fucking smug in my entire life. And the ice is back, hardly surprising- but the blush hasn't quite gone yet. My lips press together to keep from laughing, but I think the twitch is betraying me.

"That is an entirely inappropriate statement and I find your proposal both distasteful and crude," well ain't that just a kick in the teeth… pretty-damn funny though.

"Aww don' be like that Bya- yer didn't even fink abou' it," I whine back teasingly. I think I might be acting very strangely- I blame Yachiru and her bloody sweet-fetish for that. It's a bit hard to ignore a lollipop, or two, or even three, (especially three) when they're sitting right there on desk, practically screaming at you to eat it. They're pretty crunchy.

"I don't remember giving you permission to use my first name, nor to butcher it so severely," Kuchiki continues coldly

"Maybe not, but yer blush says yer don't mind all that much," I gotta a big fuck-off lecherous smile on my face- this is just too much fun!

"What the blood in my cheeks does, does not concern you, Zaraki, and I would suggest you stop mentioning it," somehow he ain't too intimidating when he's blushing, wonder why? I find myself grinning again.

"Will you desist from leering at me in such a manner Zaraki, I find it quite repulsive," hmm… so _that's_ why your voice is a little higher, is it?

"Do yer?" Kuchiki blinks

"Excuse me?" if he asks that one more time I'm just gonna have to make a crack at him for farting.

"I said: Do. Yer?," if there's one thing that'll piss him off, it'll be talking to him like I'm trying to explain to Yachiru why she can't shave off Yumichika's hair (anyone else I wouldn't care, but I don't think I could put up with his screaming)

"Of course I do, why else would I say such a thing?" He continues irritably

"Because yer just don't wanna admit that yer like the attention," I told him, damn, this is just far too much fun!

"I do _not_ appreciate being _stared_ at like a-_a piece of meat_!" the younger man protests heatedly

"Hmm… really? 'Cuz the blush on yer cheeks says ova-wise," I reply cheekily and lean my head down into his personal space.

"I would suggest removing yourself from any proximity to me if wish to keep your anatomy in tact," oops he's glaring again. Kukukuku- I think I'll just move closer. I'm always up for a fight. Except now he's just blushing even more- and I still can't quite get over this whole blushing deal, it's just fucking hilarious!

"Now, now Kuchiki- don't make promises yer not gonna keep," Ha! Now he's sneering!

"I should have known that you'd enjoy the idea of being cut to pieces," he says, sounds a bit scathing.

"Oh stop being so pissin'-frosty, yer like some friggin' Ice Prince."

"I hate to inform you, Zaraki that we do not have, in Seireitei, a royal family which reigns over solidified water. This severe lack therefore invalidates your assumption of similarity. There cannot be comparison when one subject is not existent to be compared to." Okay, now he's just playing dirty. My eyes narrow as I watch his previous smugness re-instating itself across his features and I feel the urge to do something drastic to halt its process. I do not lose- especially to long-haired pansies owning swords with names like bloody_ Senbonzakura!_

I grab the front of his (bloody-pink!) scarf and drag him forward, "is tha' so?" I growl threateningly. Kuchiki looks unaffected by the action, but I ain't ready to give it up there. I close my teeth firmly around the skin I'd revealed and listen to the gasp. I don't need to look to know that his eyes are probably wider than they've ever been in his whole, fucking, sheltered life. That gasp gives me a pretty good idea… heh heh heh, I'm going to make sure that he's going to be wearing this scarf for an entirely new reason this afternoon.

I suck, raising the skin to the surface, encouraging the soon-to-be bruise in its formation before pulling away. I wrap my fist around the handle of my zanpaktou, ready to draw to parry the act I'm sure is coming, only to stop. Wide, dilated pupils, a red, breathless mouth and cheeks flushed for an entirely new reason. When I find two arms wrenching me into a stoop again I figure I should have known it was Byakuya's mouth, not his sword, that needed to be watched out for.

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Please don't hesitate to review, I love to hear feedback, and welcome concrit gratefully!

Makayla


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